The gangsta stereotype comes up to the podium, but people in the audience begin to snicker quietly when they realize that he is a white kid from the suburb who probably has never even seen a real gangster. He is dressed in an oversized football jersey, the baggiest pants in history, oversized shoes, and enough bling around his neck to blind people if even the smallest ray of light reflected off of all of that gold. He is also wearing a high-top fade with the aid of a lot of hair gel, and he has two nicks shaved in each of his eyebrows.
"Yo, wassup homies?" asks the little dweeb. "Connor Conn in da hizzouse!"
"Connor Conn" is the alleged gangsta name for one Connor Perry Wilcox, an 18 year old wannabe from one of the richest suburbs in the United States. Drawing all of his influences from Top 40 radio and MTV, Mr. Wilcox personified the absolute worst kind of gangsta cliche: the clueless poseur who's trying way, way, way too hard. He also can't seem to go more than three words without making ridiculous gestures with his arms and hands, as if he's constantly flashing gang signs.
"Like a great muthafuckin' rapper once said, life ain't nuttin' but bitches n' money, and Scotty Scott represented that philosophizzle to da bitter end, yo! My nigga Scotty never fronted, he jus' do his own thing, scoring with a million hoes, and not be givin' two fucks! See, my dog Scotty Scott n' me, we from da streets, we harder than steel, we realer than real! Scotty say he wanted Connor Conn to keep on keepin' it real!"
At this point, Josh Burbank comes up to the podium, carrying a manila envelope. He gestures for Connor to stand back.
"Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen..."
Josh holds up a large photograph of Connor when he was fourteen years old. He has a mullet, and he is also wearing a Poison T-shirt.
"This, ladies and germs, is the so called hardcore gangsta 'Connor Conn' just four short years ago in the eighth grade. This was during his so called metalhead days, which he abruptly adopted after being mocked and ostracized by his much cooler and popular classmates!"
At this point, Connor's highly embarrassed parents have come to take him home.
Connor and his parents leave. Josh breathes a sigh of relief.
6/7/2019 2:02:37 AM
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