It's Your Business

Horsehockey V - Episode 11

It's Friday afternoon at one o'clock at the sprawling world headquarters of the multinational conglomerate called ConHUGEco, a corporation that's involved in everything from international shipping to improving infrastructure and a plethora of other industries. The campus is located on the northwest side of the nation's fifth largest city, St. James, Nebraska, and it is big enough that it crosses boundary lines and starts spilling into the western suburbs of Kaneville and Newburgh.

You were summoned from your office in the International Relations department on the thirteenth floor of the ConHUGEco West tower just after two in the afternoon, after you wrapped up your last project of the day. In a way, you were glad to have gotten this invitation, since you had no clue how you were going to spend your last four hours at work. You could only get away with enough social media and reading Reddit on your office computer before you were either caught or lost your mind out of boredom. You briefly considered leaving early and getting a head start on the three-day weekend that's coming up, but decide to be a team player instead.

The walk and elevator rides down to the "New Frontiers" conference room that you were called to takes about ten minutes, mainly because you weren't expecting to venture through another winding hallway to a secret lobby and elevators. You seem honestly surprised that the ConHUGEco world headquarters even has these secret rooms and corridors. Isn't their sprawling campus more than enough to accomodate everything and everybody they need?

You encounter a bedroom sized waiting room with two doors, two chairs, an end table between them with assorted magazines stacked on it, and a flatscreen TV on the opposite wall. A few minutes after your arrival, you are immediately ushered into the New Frontiers conference room, which you discover is filled with all sorts of expensive computers and monitors. There's a lectern with a series of lit buttons on it.

Mr. Kreke approaches you and he briefs you on how you were selected to officially kick off a "major ConHUGEco event", and all you need to do is push any of the buttons on the podium to get the ball rolling. Unlike Mr. Wernsing's deliberately vague approach, Mr. Kreke is only too happy to elaborate just what the new project entailed. On your request, he hands you a manilla folder with paperwork inside. You retreat to a well-lit corner of the room and open the folder to find a few sheets of paper. As you read through them, you're puzzled about what any of this is all about, but you definitely recognize a lot of the names mentioned throughout:

Selection 1: Classic Horsehockey. The characters that you all know and love are back: Josh Burbank, Scott Childers (aka Scott Chen), cousins Sara and Jasper Hewitt, Beth McCart, Krissy Cobham, and newcomers Anne Peters (Jasper's girlfriend) and Kim King (Sara's new boyfriend) all get into hijinks and misadventures that could only happen to them. Plus, if they need to call for Help, everyone's favorite dimunitive handyman is always happy to lend a hand.

Selection 2: The "New" Never Ending Quest. Lord Fred and the gang return, this time opposed not only by the evil dragon, but by Fred the Black, an evil doppleganger from another dimension who wants nothing more but to conquer the world.

Selection 3: Infinite New York Adventure Redux. Stacy Jones found herself in Manhattan with no idea how or why she got there. Edgar Hawkins is the son of a human mother and a renegade angel named Chamuel, and he has fled England to find his father whose activities on a higher plane might be catastrophic not only for his family, but the entire galaxy as well. A chance meeting on the streets brought Stacy and Edgar together.

Selection 4: The "New" BE Addventure. A cleaned up version of the notoriously pornographic choose your own adventure site starring Sharon Faraday, her boyfriend Jim Harper, Jim's sister Edith and his best friend Rick Wainwright III, Rick's friend with benefits Samantha Long, and their younger friends Robin Foster and her eternally trapped in the friend zone companion Billy Young.

Selection 5: Kenny and Joe. Previously depicted as two six-year-old identical twins, the boys have grown up to the age of twelve, and actually get along great now. Mother Jennifer, once always on the verge of a complete breakdown, has recovered and is now really happy with the way her life is going, now that her two sons aren't constantly fighting. How long can they keep this up?

Selection 6: The Other Addventure. Join Scott Michael Chen and his boyfriend Bruce K. Nguyen, along with their companions Felicity Ball, Mandy Meeker, the self-proclaimed star of Addventure Game 4 Punch Babies, and his adopted son Potsie Malph as they get into various mishaps and misadventures while still learning how to get along with one another. Just beware of any silver doors you might encounter.

Selection 7: Steve and the Gang. Multimillionare Steve Thomas is finally happy with the way his life is going with his fiancee Tori Montrose. They've both left Minnesota in favor of suburban St. James, living just down the street from their good friends Louie Lewis, Roger Irrelevant, Jamie Powell, and their sidekick Connor Wilcox. Lots of partying, good times, and loud music.

Selection 8: Horsehockey Potpourri. An anything goes grab bag where any established character can show up, or any long forgotten ones can finally have their time in the spotlight.

Selection 9: The Skip Hitler Show. Everyone's least favorite character finally gets his chance to shine in his own story, where everything seems to go wrong for him without any hope of redemption or triumph whatsoever. Kind of fitting, really...

  1. Scott, Josh, the Hewitt cousins and the rest of the gang.
  2. The "New" NEQ.
  3. Infinite New York Adventure Redux.
  4. The "New" BE Addventure.
  5. The new adventures of Kenny and Joe.
  6. The "other" Addventure.
  7. Steve Thomas and friends.
  8. Horsefeathers Pot Porry.
  9. You refuse to make a choice and march out of the bunker without a word.

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Ben McClellan

6/3/2019 12:43:12 PM

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